Hit and Run - The Return of the Birchmobile
by Loveon
Summary: In which Brendan falls in love, his father kills his love, and his father still refuses to say his name. Very, very minor Brendan/Serena. Crack.


Author's Notes: The first Hit and Run story was written way back in 2009. It was a crack-fic I came up with at 4 in the morning or something like that. For nostalgia purposes, I decided to check it out, and I also checked out the reviews for it. Someone had asked for a sequel.

This came about entirely because of that. I had thought it wouldn't have been possible to write a sequel to that thing, but I did.

I can usually only write crack-fics when I get into an abnormally hyper mood. I am in one such mood right now. I was originally going to write something featuring one of the villain teams, but I couldn't come up with any ideas.

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><p>Hit and Run – The Return of the Birchmobile<p>

The life of a Pokémon researcher's son was hard. Especially when your father was Professor Birch of the Hoenn region.

Research had brought Brendan and his father to the Kalos region. It was here that he met Serena, a pretty girl with honey-colored hair. She was nice enough, offering to show Brendan the best places in Lumiose City.

He shouldl've known the good times wouldn't have lasted.

"Ahaha! Brendan, you're a really funny person, you know that?" Serena said. She brushed back her hair and looked at him with a smile on her face. Man, she was pretty.

They were right outside of Lumiose City, on Route 4. They'd been gazing at all the wild Pokémon in the area, particularly the abudant amount of Flabébé, little white Pokémon that held different colored flowers. The setting sun was turning everything a golden color.

"...Hey, Serena. If you're not too busy, do you think that maybe, sometime, you'd like to get something to eat?" Brendan asked.

Serena's cheeks turned pink. "Are you asking me out?"

"Well... yea-"

A car flew out of the air and slammed into Serena. Brendan watched, horrified, as Serena's body dragged along the ground and the car, the jeep, to be more exact, came to a stop.

"Now that's what I call driving!" said the Pokémon professor of Kalos, Augustine Sycamore, from the passenger seat of the car.

Brendan slowly, slowly turned to the jeep. His father sat in the driver's seat, wearing a pair of sunglasses. The man leaned back in his seat, arm on the door, and flicked up his sunglasses with a free hand.

"My son, I see you're here on Route 4!"

Brendan stared.

"I was just taking Professor Sycamore here on a ride in the Birchmobile," his father continued. He patted the door. "Care to join us?"

"Dad. YOU JUST HIT A PERSON."

"What?"

His father looked over the car door and saw an arm poking out from the back wheel.

He screamed. "I'VE DONE IT, I'VE FINALLY KILLED SOMEONE! SWEET BABY MEWS, I'VE KILLED SOMEONE!"

Professor Sycamore was grinning as he looked over the other side of the car. "Wait... SERENA?!"

"What?! I killed your assistant? OH, ARCEUS, HELP ME NOW."

His father tried jumping out of his jeep, but his legs caught on the door and instead he face-planted with the dirt. He crawled the rest of the way out of the car and moved over to where Serena's still body lay.

"...Hit and run," he said.

Brendan couldn't believe what he'd just heard. "WHAT."

"HIT AND RUN, MY CHILD!" His father jumped up from the ground, pointing at Brendan. "Get in the car, child! Professor, please get in the car as well. We must leave the body where it lays to leave as little evidence as- WHY DID YOU TOUCH HER WRIST, SYCAMORE?!"

His father started to pace around the car. "No, no, there're fingerprints now... I... I have to do this..."

He jumped back into the car (literally, as in, he jumped over the side of the car and landed perfectly in the seat. Brendan briefly wondered how many times his father had practiced that.) Then, Brendan watched in horror as his father, Professor Dan Birch of the Hoenn region, started up the jeep, turned back in his seat, and went in reverse, running over Professor Sycamore.

Brendan's jaw dropped open.

"No more witnesses!" he shouted. "My son, get in the car! We must leave immediately!"

He was with someone insane. His father was clinically insane. There was no other way to explain his father's actions.

"Are. You. In. Sane?!" Brendan screamed. "You can't just... You can't just... YOU CAN'T JUST KILL PEOPLE LIKE THAT!"

And his father looked at him. He turned the wheel and went in reverse. The car was speeding towards Brendan.

"OH SHI-"

Brendan started running. Instead of hitting him, the car pulled up beside him, still driving while Brendan ran. His father grabbed his shoulder and yanked him towards the car.

"Get in the car, child!"

"Hell no! Get the hell off of me, you... YOU MURDERER OF LOVE!"

"HITTING AND RUNNING IS THE ONLY THING WE CAN DO RIGHT NOW!"

"WELL I'M NOT GETTING IN THE CAR WITH YOU, SO THERE."

Now, Professor Birch of Hoenn was generally a peaceful man. Sure, he got in trouble with the local Pokémon a lot, but he was a gentle soul. He wouldn't hurt a fly.

So when his father screamed for him to "Get in the mother-fucking car, Brendan Fucking Birch," Brendan listened and jumped into the car.

When they drove back to Lumiose City, they saw that the police were there.

"TOO MANY WITNESSES," Professor Birch screamed. He got ready to speed towards them but Brendan leaned over and pulled the car into parking mode. Brendan jumped out of the car and rushed towards where Serena and Professor Sycamore were now sitting, being attended to by nurses. Brendan didn't know how they were okay – he was pretty sure his father's car had crushed Professor Sycamore's head – but they were totally fine.

"Serena, I'm so sorry," Brendan said. "I'm so, so sorry."

"Oh, it's okay, Brendan." Serena smiled at him. "But... um... you know, about your dinner offer."

Brendan's heart leapt into his throat. "Y-Yeah?" he squeaked.

"I... Well, you're not really my type of guy..."

"Ah... What is your type of guy?"

Serena glanced at Professor Sycamore, then blushed. Oh, you had to be freaking kidding him.

Professor Birch placed a hand on Brendan's shoulder. "We should've just hit and run, son."


End file.
